Phill is what you call a carnivore connoisseur

His cooking skills have turned the world’s top chefs into blubbering idiots begging for mercy. On this night, Phill needed his “secret weapon” of High Life to complete his universally famous (that’s meant to be larger than world-famous) barbeque plate in preparation for the Mega Multiverse World Barbeque Championship. Phill no longer wanted to be universally famous, he was ready to take on the mega Multiverse World.

Phill drove with reckless abandonment, much like the life he lives, and never really cared to look at his gas gauge. His crappy beater truck came to a sputtering halt just 5 miles into his quest. Phill’s long hair and sweaty demeanor already gave him a very unfortunate appearance but tonight, he looked even more gruesome, some say he even looked like a crazed centaur as he threw himself into a rage due to running out of gas. Luckily, he remembered he had his small gas can with him in his truck bed, which he stole from the last gas station he previously visited the week before.

Legend has it that as Phill took off on foot with his gas can, people could hear his rambling phrase of curse words for up to 10 miles. As his voice became hoarse, he stumbled across, and I literally mean fell onto a fat pig sitting on the edge of the road.

This magnificently HUGE pig and Phill stared longingly into each other’s eyes- it was as if they had known each other for years.

…Which is rather sick seeing that Phill enjoyed butchering meat for a living! “Brother”, said Phill, “where have you been all of my life?” The pig, who was obviously not his brother, turned to him and said, “My name is Leroy Stinkins. I have been sent to make you a legend.

Hop on my back and I will take you to the promised land of Baton Rouge.”

The full moon that night suddenly appeared from behind the clouds and cast its light upon the man and swine. Leroy inched his snotty pink snout close enough to Phill’s weathered face and caught the single salty tear that rolled from his dark eyes.

“This tear shall take you to new heights and your story will be told throughout the rest of history,” whispered Leroy.

Legend has it that Phill had never shed a tear until that beautiful moment. He didn’t know if he was hallucinating from the leftover shrooms he took earlier in the day or was having his “High Life shakes” from lack of his favorite beverage, but he was brought to his knees with the most amazing, mouth-watering flavor that appeared from his lips. Leroy took witness – it was as if Lynyrd Skynyrd was singing, “Free Bird” right in front of him (or Led Zepplin singing, “Stairway to Heaven” or Dolly and Kenny singing, “Islands in the Stream” – you get the picture.)

Phill slowly knelt down and wrapped his large arms around Leroy’s neck…yes, this marked only second time in Phill’s life that he showed affection aside from that single tear he shed at the beginning of their journey. No words were spoken, more so from the fact that Phill never really completed school past the 1^st grade and learned his first words from cigarette packages and beer bottle labels.

As Leroy walked away, Phill noticed his crusty stolen gas can sitting next to an old BBQ pit that sat at the corner of the gas station. There was a note attached to the side with the words, “tears for beers.”

“That’s it!”, he shouted.

For it was that moment that he knew the meaning behind his tearful ride atop the swine to the promised land.